When Your Friends Have Kids

friends have kids

Being in my 30’s, it is no surprise that friends of mine are marrying your friends have kids. It’s also no surprise that with that change in their life comes a change in our relationship. Friendships evolve over time, I wrote about just that recently on my website, and we all accept that. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t resent it sometimes though. Gasp! Yeah, I said it. I resent the hell out of your child sometimes.

I LOVE being honorary Aunt to my friend’s children and I love them SO much but there are times that I wish they weren’t around. Does that sound harsh? Maybe. People change, their priorities and their focus in life won’t stay where it was when we met, but it doesn’t mean I can’t miss the way things were.

How Things Change When Your Friends Have Kids

Suddenly my best friend is hanging out with her Mommy friends because they understand her sleepless night, teething, and separation anxiety issues. There’s a different group of women she is going to now for laugh and advice, a group that I will never belong to. Gone are the days where I can call her up and leave on a spontaneous weekend getaway. No more are the nights that turn to mornings without us ever seeing our beds.

“That’s part of being an adult.”

Well, it’s not a part of ME being an adult. I don’t have those same restrictions and sometimes, just sometimes, I hate that you do! It doesn’t mean I’m not happy for you. It doesn’t mean that I’m not thrilled you found your partner in life and procreated a beautiful bundle of joy. I am! I absolutely am. It just means that sometimes I’m angry it wasn’t the way it was. Sometimes I feel like you left me behind.

Distance Grows After Your Friends Have Kids

Change is growth, growth is good, and hence change is good. I understand this on an intellectual level. Emotionally it is a much different picture. I still love you but suddenly I find myself calling you less. One day I realize we haven’t talked in a month and want to cry. Then I feel stupid calling after that long; what would I say anyway? A part of me feels left out. The other part of me doesn’t want to hear about the teething that led to fevers and runny diapers.

All the sudden we’re distant, different. Phone calls get awkward and play out more like a game of catch up. I hang up happy to have heard your voice but feeling further from you than before. You see if I don’t call you I don’t have to face how much we’ve grown apart. If I don’t call I can pretend that we’re still the way we used to be. If I don’t call you I can blame “being busy” and not remember that it’s less because we are busy and more because we are different now.

Julie Zantopoulos

Julie Zantopoulos

Julie is Vice President and Editor-in-Chief of The Indie Chicks. She's working on publishing her first book, a collection of short stories, and writing a young adult novel series. Other loves include whiskey, the Flyers, and anything LOTR, Harry Potter, or Young Adult Lit. Don't be shy about following her on Instagram or emailing her to discuss contributing to The Indie Chicks.

  1. Jewels, I know how you feel. I’m only 25, but many of my friends are married and have children. I am always reminded of the “500 Days of Summer” part where Tom reads the greeting card “congratulations on your new baby” and he says it SHOULD read “I guess that’s it for hanging out.” It’s a natural part of life when friends enter in to new stages of their lives and they need people in the same place to be their friends. One of my peeves in conversations with friends is when they get fixated on something in their lives and it seems like it’s all they talk about. Babies are a big commitment, but if I have to sit there and listen to them talk about about their kids for 45 minutes, they should at least have the curtesy to ask me what’s new in my life, and be as “enthralled” as I was when they put their 3 month old on the phone and I had to listen to them spittle. Sigh. Sorry for the rant! Anyway, it’s hard to overcome, but is possible to rekindle relationships like that. She still your gal pal, and that’s the biggest thing that matters.

    1. I’m blessed with friends who are amazing at the give and take. I listen because I care and then listen because they care. It’s hard though, when things change so drastically and whether you want it to or not your friendship changes as well. At first it felt ridiculously unfair but I got over it. I adore my friends and their children. I am happy to adapt in order to keep such amazing women in my life. There are moments though…moments where it straight up sucks. Glad you understand.

  2. I had a conversation with a friend a while back. She is single, never married, no kids. I was telling her how I find it difficult to connect with women with husbands since they do “couple” things, as adults do, and I’m not into that (and have no husband), and though I have kids, I crave some non-kid, non-couple connections. You know, girlfriend time. I want a road dog. She’s older than me, and said, quite wisely, that people come around, that as kids get older and marriages either fail or women start want to redefine themselves as individuals, they come around. She said women eventually learn to do things without their husbands, and kids aren’t around anymore. She said she hangs and vacations with her girlfriends who are married with children but who weren’t available or willing in years past. It all comes around, she said. Makes sense, I guess. Though it hasn’t happened for me yet.

    1. It all comes around…I like the idea of that! I know everything changes and that the changes taking place are for the best. I am lucky in that I love my friend’s spouses and their children are probably the most perfect children in the the world. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, my friends are the best. There was adjustment periods, there’s still some distance, but the love is still there and that’s what matters. We’ll make our friendships work because we want them to. 😀 Thanks for your comment and for sharing your friend’s wisdom.

  3. As a mother for close to 9 years now it’s nice to know that my childless friends who’ve gone on with their happy free lives might have actually missed me before I faded away into the blackhole of soccer, playdates, and only getting a break about every 1000 days. Know that your mom friends deeply miss their freedom and ability to have a conversation without having to yell at children or stop and clean up puke.

    1. Of course they missed/miss you. It’s hard to juggle it all but it’s possible if everyone wants it enough. I don’t doubt, for a single second, that mommy’s miss the carefree times but those little bundles of puke also come with a great amount of laughter and awe. Each side of that friendship coin has pros/cons.

  4. I have to agree with Tracy. Being one of the first of my friends to have children–and adopting a child five years older than my first-born to boot–I miss being able to pick up the phone and call just to chat. My working friends are busy when I’m free and vice-versa, giving us approximately five seconds twice a year to catch up.

    Or, it used to be like that. We still don’t talk as often, but we make an effort. I try to take kid-free trips, and they understand when I have to drop the call to dole out justice. I ask about their work, boyfriends, and volunteer work, they ask me about potty training and neighborhoods.

    Is it perfect? No. But there are those friends that are so special–like sisters–that you have to make the effort, even if it means midnight texting while one of you is feeding the baby and the other is doing body shots off a Playgirl model!

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