sex after kids

Doin’ It: Sex Life After Kids

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Dani

Dani is a 30-something writer, residing in South Florida and living the Brangelina lifestyle with The Big Guy and their five kids. Dani’s (sometimes daily) struggle to balance motherhood, life and sex is chronicled on her blog, Suburbia Interrupted.

When it comes to sex, I am no angel.

I lost my virginity when I was seventeen. I had no freaking clue what I was doing or how I should be doin’ it. The fact that I have blocked 99.9% of the details from that experience (obviously) speaks for itself. My next few years were spent at college where the Erica Jong rules of doin’ it were so prominent, one could believe that every incoming freshman female was given a copy. Erica’s free love, embrace your orgasm, enjoy your sexuality mantra flowed freely around the campus. Many of us lost our angel wings.

Sex was the thing you did. You had sex with the frat boys. You had sex with that guy from the bar. You had sex with the guy, who afterward, told you he was a virgin and you immediately screamed fuck me and asked him to leave. (I am not proud of that.) Sex and the City had taken hold of my generation and we women were following its lead. As the years went by, as Carrie and the girls matured and grew and began finding themselves, so did I. One night stands began making me feel more like a piece of shit than it did satisfied. I wanted a boyfriend instead of that guy from the bar. I wanted an orgasm. I wanted to be with someone who knew what I liked and what I didn’t. I wanted to be with someone who knew how to make me laugh. And most important I wanted to be with someone who fucking loved me.

What I found out was Disney forgot to let us in on a little secret. Prince Charming and happily ever after doesn’t just magically appear or ride up on a white horse. They failed to mention that a few frogs and toads would have to be discarded on the editing room floor before Prince Charming and happily ever after made their grand entrance.

Years came and went. Then…I met him. And staying true to myself, I was a total bitch the first time we spoke. My friends were skeptical. He wasn’t my type, whatever the hell that even meant. My type had been the frat guy wooing me while David Allen Coe blasted in the background or that guy in the bar that I called when it was midnight and no other opportunities had risen. In fact, he was my type. A guy that made me laugh, that made me smile and a guy who gave me multiple freaking orgasms. It is possible girls. Find the right guy and it is possible…

A year went by and I was out with the girls. One was on the prowl for a Ryan Gosling look alike, one was bitching about her fiancé, one was pissed at the entire male population and I was on a sex high, having had a quickie by the front door right as I was leaving. “We don’t have sex very much anymore” my engaged friend was saying. Everyone was chiming in when it became my turn. ”I just had sex against my front door” I said. “Shut the hell up! No you didn’t! You’ve been together longer than we have been. No one has sex against the front door after a year of being together.”

They didn’t?

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  • strawberryp

    Great article! The girls I work with are constantly complaining about denying their men sex and all I can think is WHY?! My boyfriend (of 3 years) and I still act like teenagers. Thank you for reassuring the sane women that there’s no such thing as too much sex!

    • http://suburbiainterrupted.blogspot.com/ Dani

      Thank you so much! I don’t get the whole denying their guy sex either. All their doing is denying themselves.

  • http://www.diapersorwine.com/ sue diamond-phillips

    I LOVE THIS. You are amazing! A role model for women and mommies everywhere:) Awesome article, and i’m going to surprise my husband tonight because of you!

    • http://suburbiainterrupted.blogspot.com/ Dani

      I am here to spread the orgasm love ;)

  • http://www.lifeonthesonnyside.com Jen @ Life on the SONny Side

    You’re my idol! I have big dreams of a reunion romp with our front door! Great post!

  • http://www.momaical.com Tracy @ Momaical

    Good for freakin you! I think you need to experiment with the toads, tools, and tweakers to REALLY appreciate when you find a keeper. And, to not let it all fade after you get comfortable with each other and become “that couple”. Shave your legs in the sink, reach into the Fuckerware bin and do each other like porn stars (less Paris Hilton – more Pam Anderson). Love you sister!

  • http://www.habitsofthinking.wordpress.com Rene

    Love it! I have the same issue with my friends. They don’t seem to understand that sex isn’t meant to wane as the relationship continues. Thanks for writing this!

    • http://suburbiainterrupted.blogspot.com/ Dani

      Relationships wane when the sex stops and the couple forgets who they once were. Thanks for reading!

  • Mamaintheburbs

    Great article girl! I’m so proud of you! I definitely can’t wait to continue reading your posts.

  • http://www.stephaniesprenger.com Stephanie @ Mommy, for real.

    Great job! I know everybody has different “need” but it makes me feel sad when I hear my unmarried friends talk about how infrequently they have sex, when my husband and I, with two young girls, have so much more sex than they do. It is a really important part of a marriage in my opinion, and sure, there are some nights when I’m like, “Really? But I’m so sleepy and I just want to lay here on the couch!” but as soon as we do it, it’s just like going to the gym. I may drag my feet on my way to the locker room, but once i’m there I’m always glad I came. Ha! Pun intended. ;)

  • http://chewylicious.wordpress.com Courtney

    Looks like you took away all the mysteries of being married (and it never being possible) AND still being able to “do it” away! (And keep the wonderful relationship alive! Great post hun! Congrats!

  • http://justmewith.com Roxanne

    Sigh. Great post. Good for you. I had to learn it’s quality, not quantity. I tried to not just be “the mom” and gave away myself. Good for you, though. Good for you. “Sex On Demand” http://wp.me/p1sXPw-Ad

  • http://onefunnymotha.wordpress.com One Funny Motha

    Now I know why you have 5 kids! Just kidding. But good for you for making your marriage a priority.

  • http://www.accordingtojewels.com Jewels

    I love hearing about women in long term relationships (married or otherwise) with children who still take times to nurture their sexual selves without guilt or shame. I can’t stand the “We have kids now” stuff. Look, I don’t have kids but even I know that should be made a priority frequently enough to have no complaints. Kudos, you vixen, you! :D Great article, Dani!

  • http://www.enchantedseashells.com Enchanted Seashells

    You’re never too old to feel all tingly inside, right?

  • Karen @BakingInATornado

    I love that you admit the defeats that ultimately lead to success. I do believe that everything we do leads us to where we are. And everything you did lead you to a happy healthy relationship. Bravo, take a bow!

  • http://chaosandwords.wordpress.com/ Ashley

    I’m married but without kids, so I can’t comment too much on how you should still be having sex after children. This post is enlightening, though, and shows that not all parents are sexless! I think a truly happy marriage needs communication – and that includes in the bed. Happy to read you’re in such a great, healthy marriage (and with 5 kids, holy cow)! Great post.

  • http://www.fantasydatinggame.com/ Suzanne Casamento

    AMEN! Far to often, I hear complaints from married girlfriends about never having sex. So glad to hear you’re doing it and doing it and doing it well! ;)

  • Courtney Renfro

    Very true. I agree. Disney does not tell you about the frogs, you met a long the way. Disney movies make you think prince charming will magically appear. I want to meet a guy who make me smile and rock my world. I want a guy to give me multiple orgasms. I am sure, I will find it. My friend told me when you get into a serious realtionship, you have less sex. You proved her wrong. You can have it all, kids and a great sex life. Your titles don’t define you.
    Great Article. I loved reading it.

  • http://boldfont.blogspot.com/ Bella

    lol, denying men sex! Shoot, my ex denied me sex. lol.

    • http://www.fantasydatinggame.com/ Suzanne Casamento

      That has happened to me too! I’ve gotten shot down way more than I’ve ever denied any boyfriend anything. What are those women talking about?

  • http://www.mywritingden.net Maria

    I’ve been married 20+ years and my husband and I still find ourselves acting like kids, laughing and groping each other, sometime in public…lol! PDA :) Kudos to all the women who realize denying your man sex will only cause him to look for it elsewhere….just saying.

  • http://www.youvebeenhooked.wordpress.com The Hook

    I’ve been married for 18 years and life has a way of getting in the way of amorous pursuits sometimes. Thank you for giving me hope, a chuckle or two, and most of all a fresh perspective.
    You rock!