Latest posts by Chiara Mazzucco (see all)
- I Haven’t Showered (and Other Problems of the Overly-Ambitious) - July 21, 2014
- Booze and You: When Alcohol Happens - July 18, 2014
- Why Do Women Cling? - July 14, 2014
Everyone knows the feeling of power that flows through your veins when you’re holding your phone and you’ve had one too many drinks. Even if you’re in tears, complaining about your ex, the power is still there. You see, booze is magic. The moment one too many gets into your system, you obtain the super power you’ve always dreamed of. If you’re dealing with a broken heart, you’ve suddenly unearthed the strength to call your ex. If you’ve been crushing on a co-worker, booze lights the fire under your bum and drops your heart onto your sleeve. No matter the reason you’re dialing under the influence, you need to stop now.
Nothing Good Comes Out of “I’m So Drunk”
And make no mistake, even if you say “I’m not drunk”, your voice gives it away. You could be confessing your love to a crush … but the sound of your spit onto the microphone isn’t very appealing. You could be telling your ex-boyfriend that his dick was small and that you masturbated to the thought of his cousin … but it won’t sound like too much of an insult if it’s muffled by burps, long awkward pauses, and short speeches to nearby tree trunks. The point is, whatever the reason you’re making the call, it’s not coming through clearly; your drunkeness is masking the sound of your huge balls dropping.
Liquid Courage Vs Hot Mess
Let’s be honest: sometimes, calling your ex and telling him off for bangin’ your friend and breaking your heart requires the aid of a trusty shot (or two). But no one has to tell you (because deep down you know) the difference between using booze as the occasional liquid courage versus a numbing agent you can use as an excuse to act a fool. But I was so drunk!
The Call Was Still Made
Let’s assume you are using it as a numbing agent and excuse. Ha. You know that when you wake up, there won’t be any going back, right? And that saying, “But I was so drunk …”, will do absolutely nothing for your defense. If you need to get sloshed before making calls, there’s a reason you’re not making them when you’re sober.
Let’s say you’re calling a crush. And let’s say a really drunk call somehow lands you a first date. What are you going to do, order a bottle of wine to the dome on your first date? I get it. Professing your affection for someone new can be really scary. Technically, I don’t believe booze ever makes or breaks, but I won’t deny that in this scenario, a little liquid courage wouldn’t hurt. But trust me when I say: there’s no going back from a really hammered drunk dial … you’re not as attractive as you think you are while under the influence. You see Jessica Rabbit, he hears Janice from Friends.
Calling your ex is always a no-no. Deep down, no matter how badly you want to call him, you know it’s a mistake. You know it’ll make you seem desperate, you know you wish he would call you first, and you know, deep down, that nothing good can come out of it. When you’re drunk and you call, you hope the outcome will be different and that you’ll prove your sober self wrong. You think that by taking seven shots in a row, reality is somehow altered, time has stopped, and this time he’ll pick up and realize what a mistake he made. It doesn’t work that way, the hang over will be a harsh reality.
Don’t Be a Coward
You will face the dragon whether you buffer it with booze the night before or not. You will eventually have to deal with the heart break. You will eventually have to face your crush. Don’t be a coward (take ONE shot if you must) and face life with your head held high. The best calls to the ex are made when you’re pumped and strong, with ONE goal in mind.
“Hi. I need to know, did you sleep with Annie? … You did? … Ok, thanks for clearing that up. You’re a piece of shit. Ciao.” … dial tone.
“Hey Mike. Let’s go out for dinner, you intrigue me. Awesome. See you at 8″… dial tone.
That directness doesn’t exist while you’re drunk and simultaneously attacking a homeless person for a cigarette.
Tell us your most horrific drunken dial stories. That is … if you remember them.
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