call off your wedding, signs you should call off your wedding, the indie chicks, relationships

8 Signs You Should Call Off Your Wedding

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Chrystal Rose

When Chrystal isn't writing and performing her President & COO duties for The Indie Chicks, she's running her very own marketing company, Dollhouse Marketing. She's a total travel junkie, health/fitness fanatic, mommy to a couple of furbabies and a Girl Scout Troop leader. Helping people, especially women is one of the things she loves the most so feel free to contact her via email or any of her social media outlets.

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In running with the theme of my relationship posts like “10 Signs He’s a Keeper” and “Signs of a Controlling Man: 9 Red Flags”  I’ve brought you this little number. Too often I see women with reservations, knowing that they should call off their wedding, but don’t. Whether it’s because they’re too embarrassed, they’ve spent a ton of money or it’s too close to the big day, there are immense pressures to follow through even if your gut tells you not to. Unfortunately, some don’t see the signs you should call off your wedding until it’s too late.

Eight years ago, at age 22, I got engaged. I’d been dating Sharkie* for a little more than two years and felt like it was about freaking time that he popped the question. Almost three years later, I called off the wedding and we broke up. Yes, I’m the one who called it off. Me. The female. And holy shit, do I feel like I dodged a bullet! I’m sharing these signs you should call off your wedding to hopefully prevent you from going through with it, only to learn a hard lesson later.

Call It off If:

1. There’s an Emphasis on Timing

Because Sharkie and I had been dating a certain length of time, I thought we needed to be engaged. And I believed that engagements also had a standard length of time on them, so we set a date that fell in line. I did not see myself as “only 22″ or even madly in love, I saw myself as someone who’d been dating and living with someone for X amount of time. So we should get married, duh.

Yes, I believe you should be with someone a couple of years before you get engaged. Yes, I believe you should live with someone for at least a year and a see what they’re like through every season before you get engaged. But in no way is there a mandatory length of time that you should be engaged within. It puts far too much pressure on the relationship.

This also goes for your age. If you feel like you’re getting older and should be married by now, you’re just as lost. Your age doesn’t make you ready for marriage, and while you may be ready– it doesn’t mean that the relationship is.

 2. You Focus Too Much on Planning the Wedding

Hey there Bridezilla, calm the fuck down. No sane person with the exception of the Queer Eye boys can tell the difference between Peach and Apricot. The day itself, the wedding, the reception– all the details really don’t fucking matter. What matters is the day after, and all the days after that. If you’re more concerned with your big day being perfect than you are on having the perfect union, you need to check yourself. This is one of the huge signs you should call off your wedding and, honestly, if you don’t he just might.

3. You Aren’t Focused Enough on Planning

When I was planning my wedding it was comparable to picking out a pair of socks for work. Just about every gown I tried on looked good, so I chose one I liked. No tears, no emotion, no big deal. I had themed colors in mind and flowers I liked. I chose the first venue I looked at. I tasted cake and while none of it tasted all that great, I picked a flavor and gave the bakery a swatch of my colors along with “creative license” to do what they wanted. Oh yeah and invitations? I never even picked those out.

In essence, I just didn’t give a shit. And I wondered what the fuck all these other women were finding to be so stressful.

While you shouldn’t be totally insane about the planning, it’s probably not a good sign if you hardly care at all.

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  • Ashley Sapp

    Loved this, and you make valid points. My husband and I don’t care what anyone has to say about our relationship, and there are times you may run into people that think they know your relationship better than you do. If you care more about what others think/say such as, “You should marry him, he’s perfect for you!” rather than your gut, then you should call off the wedding. Regardless of others’ opinions, the person you’re marrying is supposed to be the person you’re with for life, your partner in everything. Basing your relationship off what others think shows a crack in the foundation. It will fall apart rather quickly because your heart truly isn’t in it. Great post!

    • Chrystal Rose

      Thank you Ashley! And I totally agree. It seems like when you start getting serious with someone people ask, “When are you getting engaged?”, Then, “When’s the wedding??” and then, “When are you having kids??”

      People are super nosey and your relationship/marriage is none of their business. Outsiders shouldn’t have a say (though if they think the guy is terrible it can’t hurt to look into.) You can’t be pressured into going through with it or worry about what people will say if you call it off– you just have to be true to you.

  • Ashley

    Yes, definitely great advice points.

    • Chrystal Rose

      Thanks Ashley!

  • Jewels

    Thank goodness I never got this far! I did get to the ring shopping stage and was like…what am I doing? I didn’t want to be with him. Yeah, I loved him “enough” but I didn’t have any passion, no fire, and was so luke warm about the whole thing. I could have been happy, and cared for, but I would have cheated-I know that. I wasn’t excited about a life with him. I’m SO glad I listened to my gut and avoided getting into a situation where I was canceling a wedding. Instead I was able to just plain break up with him.

    • Chrystal Rose

      Good for you! It speaks volumes when a woman just isn’t trying to do whatever it takes to just get married. After that it’s like, okay, now what?

  • Roxanne

    Great piece. It’s all about trusting the gut. I didn’t trust mine, “Almost a Runaway Bride”

  • Quiana

    This is excellent. As a married woman, I can tell you, if these speak to you…don’t do it. Marriage is so much more than the wedding.

    • Chrystal Rose

      I couldn’t agree more! I’m writing a new piece on this topic as well :)

  • Amy Lou

    So true!
    I too almost married my ex because I didn’t want to hurt him. He was comfortable, safe and “good enough”. Until I realised how unfair it was for him to marry someone who didn’t adore him the way he deserved to be loved.
    It was one of the hardest decisions I ever made but I trusted my gut, worked on my own life and now years later I am married to a man who is better than my dreams.
    If this article hits a nerve with you, please listen to your gut no matter how hard it seems. Be strong.

    • Chrystal Rose

      I’m so happy for you Amy! I know the decision was probably so unbelievably difficult, but I’m so glad it ended up working out for you. You should never settle, there’s always someone amazing out there for you.

      • Amy Lou

        The decision would have been so much easier if this article was around back then!
        Thanks for sharing your insight xx

  • Sandra Lee

    I’m going through this now and I have 4 months til the wedding. We have been together 5 months this March. We always say how we love each other and she is wonderful, but there are reservations in the back of my mind. I feel lost, I don’t know if it’s just wedding jitters or wedding jitters with thoughts in my head that we have had and still have some relationship issues. Things that we want or need from each other and have felt like we haven’t got from one another. I was fine with planning the wedding up until the middle of March, it went away then came back when I was reminded of a thorn in our relationship. I feel like I’m trying to justify my feelings, saying every couple has disagreements but it’s how I feel about them and what they are about. A part of me feels that we are engaged because we were hitting our 4 year mark and she was ready to propose in front of her friends. Saying we should go to counseling before we are married but have never been and it’s 4 months til the big day. I don’t want to hurt her but I also want to free her

    • Chrystal Rose

      If there are any reservations whatsoever you shouldn’t go through with it. It’s so much better to hurt someone now, than to go through with it and ultimately end up divorced later. You both deserve to be happy and if you both aren’t someone has to be willing to pull the trigger.

  • Jennifer Q.

    I’m in this predicament and I’m struggling. My fiancee and I fight a lot. I’ve already booked the chapel and reception venue. My family has already taken days off and made travel arrangements. I know what I need to do; but how do you get over the embarrassment? How do you announce it?

    • Amy Lou

      Jennifer, I know it seems easier to go along with the plans than to rock the boat, but I promise you this: it’s easier to announce a wedding cancellation than it is to announce (and endure) a divorce… or worse, live your life with the sadness and regret of marrying the wrong person.
      Trust me, I’ve been there, and I lost our shared friendship group over it. But no amount of embarrassment nor money is worth settling in this life, and anyone who truly loves you will understand because they want you to be happy.
      If you know what you need to do, there’s your answer.
      Good luck sweetheart :-)

      • Chrystal Rose

        Amazing answer Amy Lou!

    • Chrystal Rose

      I’d love to find out what happened here. Honestly I was lucky and hadn’t sent out invitations yet so I was able to just drop off. I let my mom handle anyone who asked. Ask for your parents help–I’m sure they’d rather deal with fending off questions than dealing with you going through a divorce.

  • lipgloss1123

    I called off my wedding 7 months ago and it still feels like yesterday. I am working on myself but the guilt and embarrassment is very overwhelming at times. When deciding to do it or not, my biggest concern was the dress. I loved that dress so much. That’s when I knew there was a bigger problem. I didn’t care about leaving him…I cared about losing that dress. I can’t say I am at the point where I know I did the right thing yet…we were together for 9 years and change is scary… but for the first time in my adult life I don’t have to share a closet and that feels good.

    • Chrystal Rose

      I’m proud of you. And you will get to the point where you feel like you did the right thing– because you did. If you have doubts, especially with something this big, it can’t be right.

      I totally feel you on the dress. Mine is still hanging in the guest room closet (9 years later), it’s so beautiful and it kills me to know I’ll never wear it.

      I’m glad you have your own closet space. 9 years is a long time, I’m excited for you to get to know yourself better. xoxo

  • Green&Blue

    I have a friend who’s about to get married in two weeks but he’s spending time and intimate moments with another woman and I asked, man are you sure you are ready for marriage and he says yes. He say one woman he’s happy with the other he’s happy and love but is scared to be with. I just don’t know what to tell the guy but I know he’s not going to call it off cause he don’t want to hurt her. It’s not even my wedding and I’m confused

    • Chrystal Rose

      Wow that is heavy. So I’m guessing he went through with it. I wonder how that’s going for him…

  • Ash22

    I loved this article and really needed to read it today. I’m debating on leaving my fiancé and calling the wedding off. Several of the reasons to leave I can check off, I am just not in love with him, there is no spark, no chemistry. I’m not excited about my wedding day like I should be. I feel like I’m just going with the motions because all my friends are married and having kids, I’m getting older. But I’m not truly happy, and I’m settling. I’m embarrassed, ashamed and scared of change. I feel like I’m too old to start over, but I need to follow my gut and stop making excuses of why I should stay. I don’t want to live the rest of my life in a blah relationship. I hate the unknown but hopefully I can stay strong and get through it and be happier and stronger after everything is said and done.

    • Chrystal Rose

      You are NEVER too old to start over– in any aspect, especially love.

  • FollowTheHeart

    Wow, great article and comments. I have been together with my partner for years. I called off my wedding when it was just a few months away. I was feeling guilty for calling it off even though I knew I didn’t want to get married. Reading this made me feel much better and more confident. Thank you.

    • Chrystal Rose

      It’s so easy to feel bad and guilty about it especially if he wasn’t a “bad guy.” You did the right thing and I’m so glad I could help you to feel more confident in your decision.

  • bridetobe

    I am getting married in 1 year. I love this person with my whole life, but when we were dating I cheated on him. We’ve been on and off for a couple off years after that happened, until we decided to make it official. We love each other and we try, whoever he’s constantly making me feel down for the past. He makes me feel like he’s better than me. I don’t know what to do anymore..any advice?

    • Chrystal Rose

      If someone loves you then they should never kick up the past and use it against you. If it were me I would tell him that if he wants a future with you– he needs to forgive your past. It’s not fair for you to constantly be punished for something you can’t go back and fix– you don’t deserve that. You are more than welcome to email me if you want. Good luck xoxo

  • Darshu

    Hi my name is Darshu, and i have just called off my wedding which will be taking place on this coming December 10th 2014. It was an arrange marriage in our Hindu way. I have decided to call off the wedding because i found out alot of truth about this man. As he is blacklisted, bringing out a child with him whereever he goes, being very typical towards me. I hope i can get some encouragement on how to cope up this issue. I am just 27 years old from malaysia. Kindly please advice

    • Chrystal Rose

      I think you did the right thing Darshu. Are you able to marry for love?

  • Jo-Anne

    Too much time is spent focused on the wedding and not enough on the marriage to follow, just my thought.

    • Chrystal Rose

      Totally agree!

  • Sadexbride

    I was engaged. Two days ago I called to cancel the venue, photographer, cake, etc and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. My fiancé and I where together for 4 years. We had the best communication and loved being together but… He wouldn’t be intimate with me. I Love him but I’m tired of feeling rejected. He’s a great man and I hope I’m not making the biggest mistake of my life.

    • Chrystal Rose

      Wow– I am SO incredibly proud of you, that must have been so hard. I have been in a relationship with someone who denied me intimacy and it hurt so bad. I had even told him if he was thinking of proposing, not to, because I couldn’t see myself living in a sexless marriage. You made the right call. It will get better xoxo

  • Sunny1

    This is an awesome article. Unfortunately, calling of weddings or breaking engagements isn’t publically talked about so there aren’t much resources for women that are struggling to make such a difficult decision. I dated my ex for 6 years and called off our engagement after 3 months. I completely agree with the point about gut feelings…I just knew in my heart I wasn’t going to be happy. It was really hard-there was nothing wrong with him and my family loves him. But what I started to realize was that they didn’t have to marry him, I did. It was the rest of my life, not theirs living unhappily. So, I did it. I called off our engagement and cut ties completely. I knew if i didn’t want to marry him, it was never going to work. I have never one regretted my decision, though there are times it is still hard to deal with. People aren’t always understanding and that doesn’t make it any easier. My biggest struggle is not feeling guilty for being happy. I almost feel embarassed at times for being okay but I’m working on that. Regardless of how anyone else feels, only you know what is right for you. I have found a lot of comfort in the strength I didn’t even know I had to make such a big decision. Allow yourself to be happy and trust what your gut is telling you.