Latest posts by Chiara Mazzucco (see all)
- You’re a Shitty Girlfriend. Period. - July 28, 2014
- Drunk Dial: Nothing Good Comes From “I’m Sooo Drunk” - July 25, 2014
- What to Do When No One Believes in You - July 24, 2014
Since you enjoyed my 6 Guys Who Never Got in My Pants piece, I figured I’d keep to momentum going by letting you in on more of my dating disasters and making this a series. Today, I want to introduce you to 6 guys who, through no fault of their own, were automatically friend-zoned. Future rounds will touch on first-date mishaps, failed pick-ups, and maybe even some in-between-the-sheet disasters. I mean, why not? They’re fucking hilarious, aren’t they?
(Please note, I will not be responding to any emails, texts, or FB messages asking if one of the following stories is about you. The answer is likely to be yes, since the stories are specific and true, and I just don’t have the time to have these conversations. You understand, don’t you?)
The Eyeball Whisperer
I met him through a group of friends. He was cute, a little hipster, and the kind of sweet that I could have easily written about in my diary. I could tell right away that he was attracted to me when we met, and it didn’t bother me because I was attracted to him too. The more I hung out with this group, the more our paths crossed and one night at a party, we were left outside smoking alone.
We were talking about something sexy, I don’t remember what. It was the kind of topic that awakened bodies and drew you near if you were attracted to one another. We were in uncharted territory; at a fork in the road. Is this who you’re going to be in my life?
Our bodies started to gravitate toward each other and I was falling deep into his words.
Until he realized what was happening, which I guess he had been hoping for.
His eyes flew open to expose the whites of his eyes, swallowing his irises. He had this crazy look of shock and confusion on his face, almost like he didn’t know whether to kiss me, dry hump me or kill me all together. But, like, he didn’t go back to his normal face or anything - he just stayed that way.
“Are you okay?” I asked, with genuine concern. “Uh, yeah why?” he responded, breathing heavily. “Nothing, you just look weird.”
….”I like you,” he said confidently, not blinking.
This guy would have landed in my guys who didn’t get into my pants piece, but he really was sweet. And once my body convulsed in repulsion to his big eyeballs, he stayed there and he stayed my friend. I wouldn’t let him be anything more.
Lesson to be learned: Even if you’re breaking your wall down to show someone you’re interested, keep control of your facial expressions, the tone of your voice, and all body functions in general.
My EMO Cushion
I haven’t always picked the right guys in the past – I mean, have you read last week’s gut wrenching post? And I guess you could say a lot of what helped me out of those abusive relationships was knowing that there were other boys out there who’d love me no matter what, always.
Unfortunately, it was the worst thing this guy could have done.
I met him the same time I met another guy and of course, they were friends. Thinking back, this happened a lot. I always felt bad for ‘the other’ guy.
When I chose the guy, this other guy kind of slipped into the friend-zone on his own, not wanting to let me go and hoping that I’d see him for the gem he was. And to be fair, I wanted to keep him to myself, too. He was tall, handsome, and had the sweetest face I had ever seen. The kind of face that really listened when you poured your heart out; the kind of face that felt the same pain you were feeling. He had these captivating eyes that I didn’t want to lose.
And after the guy and I broke up, you would have thought I would have fallen into his arms, but I didn’t.
He was there for me too much, he was always available to talk, and he bent over backwards anytime I needed him. I guess when you’re young and screwed up, you’ll do anything to keep that, especially if you don’t have to work for it. The fact his breath smelled like a wet hot cheeto didn’t help, either.
Lesson to be learned: Your first decisions when you meet a girl play a large role in whether or not you’ll land into the friend-zone. Being her shoulder to cry on every night is going to keep you there. And girls only cry about boys they like, not to them.