6guysfriendzoned

6 Guys Who Were Automatically Friend-Zoned

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Chiara Mazzucco

CEO, Editor-in-Chief at The Indie Chicks, Inc
Chiara got her start in the blogosphere by dishing out reality slaps on her dating and relationship blog. The brutal honesty that became her signature tone earned her the badass reputation she needed to get The Indie Chicks magazine up and running. She is also a web designer and author of The 9 Mirages of Love. Driven, stubborn, and wildly ambitious, she won’t stop until she is the perfect, self-empowered role model for all of her readers.

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Since you enjoyed my 6 Guys Who Never Got in My Pants piece, I figured I’d keep to momentum going by letting you in on more of my dating disasters and making this a series. Today, I want to introduce you to 6 guys who, through no fault of their own, were automatically friend-zoned. Future rounds will touch on first-date mishaps, failed pick-ups, and maybe even some in-between-the-sheet disasters. I mean, why not? They’re fucking hilarious, aren’t they?

(Please note, I will not be responding to any emails, texts, or FB messages asking if one of the following stories is about you. The answer is likely to be yes, since the stories are specific and true, and I just don’t have the time to have these conversations. You understand, don’t you?)

The Eyeball Whisperer

I met him through a group of friends. He was cute, a little hipster, and the kind of sweet that I could have easily written about in my diary. I could tell right away that he was attracted to me when we met, and it didn’t bother me because I was attracted to him too. The more I hung out with this group, the more our paths crossed and one night at a party, we were left outside smoking alone.

We were talking about something sexy, I don’t remember what. It was the kind of topic that awakened bodies and drew you near if you were attracted to one another. We were in uncharted territory; at a fork in the road. Is this who you’re going to be in my life?

Our bodies started to gravitate toward each other and I was falling deep into his words.

Until he realized what was happening, which I guess he had been hoping for.

His eyes flew open to expose the whites of his eyes, swallowing his irises. He had this crazy look of shock and confusion on his face, almost like he didn’t know whether to kiss me, dry hump me or kill me all together. But, like, he didn’t go back to his normal face or anything - he just stayed that way. 

“Are you okay?” I asked, with genuine concern. “Uh, yeah why?” he responded, breathing heavily. “Nothing, you just look weird.”

….”I like you,” he said confidently, not blinking.

This guy would have landed in my guys who didn’t get into my pants piece, but he really was sweet. And once my body convulsed in repulsion to his big eyeballs, he stayed there and he stayed my friend. I wouldn’t let him be anything more.

Lesson to be learned: Even if you’re breaking your wall down to show someone you’re interested, keep control of your facial expressions, the tone of your voice, and all body functions in general.

My EMO Cushion

I haven’t always picked the right guys in the past – I mean, have you read last week’s gut wrenching post? And I guess you could say a lot of what helped me out of those abusive relationships was knowing that there were other boys out there who’d love me no matter what, always.

Unfortunately, it was the worst thing this guy could have done.

I met him the same time I met another guy and of course, they were friends. Thinking back, this happened a lot. I always felt bad for ‘the other’ guy. 

When I chose the guy, this other guy kind of slipped into the friend-zone on his own, not wanting to let me go and hoping that I’d see him for the gem he was. And to be fair, I wanted to keep him to myself, too. He was tall, handsome, and had the sweetest face I had ever seen. The kind of face that really listened when you poured your heart out; the kind of face that felt the same pain you were feeling. He had these captivating eyes that I didn’t want to lose.

And after the guy and I broke up, you would have thought I would have fallen into his arms, but I didn’t.

He was there for me too much, he was always available to talk, and he bent over backwards anytime I needed him. I guess when you’re young and screwed up, you’ll do anything to keep that, especially if you don’t have to work for it. The fact his breath smelled like a wet hot cheeto didn’t help, either.

Lesson to be learned: Your first decisions when you meet a girl play a large role in whether or not you’ll land into the friend-zone. Being her shoulder to cry on every night is going to keep you there. And girls only cry about boys they like, not to them.

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  • http://www.tjlubrano.com/ TJ Lubrano

    Aaah flashbacks here and there, while reading your article, Chiara. I’ve friend-zoned guys and I’ve been friend-zoned myself. With the latter the number one reason I got was, that guys thought I was out of their league. I always wondered if being out of their league was just a different phrase of not being compatible. As for friend zoning guys, I’m definitely with you on the whole babe/honey name calling. Dudes, just don’t do that. I also dislike it when guys immediately “claim” you if you show interest or are friendly towards them. I’m not a freaking price that you can claim as soon as I smile at you.

    Loved reading this and I especially loved the subtitles haha. :)

    • http://theindiechicks.com/ Chiara Mazzucco

      AH! That’s totally true, TJ! Being claimed is like, dude… You think you can just stamp my forehead like that? I stamp YOUR forehead.. – hence the immediate zoning. I’ve been friendzoned when boys were busy seeing someone else. Like I was put in there as ‘pending approval’ or ‘in queue’… Which in all honesty, I’ve been guilty of doing myself. Haha

      • Jewels

        The pending approval is a harsh reality. Sometimes it’s not a firm no, just a “let’s wait and see”. I think that’s the most evil of all places to put a guy. The friend zone they may not like but they get it but that limbo is pure evil. I think we’ve all done it (or been put there) but it’s still hardest to handle.

        TJ: NOTHING in the world of dating will make me disqualify you for dating potential than you laying “claim” to me. I’m much too independent to ever “belong” to anyone. As for the pet names, call me by those sugar sweet ones and I will gag and walk the other way. Honey, baby, sweety, hun, etc…those all apply. I’ve gotten “lady” and “woman” and some guys can pull it off, you know the casual, “Hey woman, I missed you today” that’s just the right amount of standoffish and not belittling that is mysterious. Hmm…interesting that I just realized that about myself.

        • http://www.tjlubrano.com/ TJ Lubrano

          I totally hear you about being too independent! I need my space, I need to do my own things without feeling the need to always attend to the guy. It’s all in how they say huh? The perfect mix of letting you know that he missed you and know you’re his, but still leaving you in your own value.

          Something like that. Hooray for realization! hehe.

      • http://www.tjlubrano.com/ TJ Lubrano

        “I stamp YOUR forehead”…that’s hilarious haha! It’d be too funny if you would walk around with a real stamp now. Ahh the “pending approval” status. SO true! Definitely guilty of that one.

    • Vyvy from Vyvacious.com

      Yeah, fuck the babe/honey bullshit. I only accept dessert related pet names now ;)

  • Travelwanderings

    I can just picture these poor guys wondering what went wrong… Hopefully some of them will read this and figure out why they were so close and yet so far.

    • Jewels

      Poor guys, and poor girls, have all landed there and had no idea why. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason…and other times you have hot cheeto breath.

  • Jewels

    I don’t know what it is about me that invites confidences but I am riddled by over sharing men. They express romantic interest at first and then start whining about their ex, the one that got away, etc. Then they switch back to which is why I’m all into you…um, no! Nothing ensures your spot in the friend zone like over sharing, whining, or talking down your ex.

    I have to admit that it might drive me crazy when my text goes un-answered for an hour but a guy who ALWAYS texts back immediately gets old quick. So funny but so funny because it’s so relatable. Sadly, I’ve fallen prey to the friend zone as well. We’ve all zoned and been zoned. We can all relate to this. Loved it.

  • Chrystal Rose

    I had a friend that was part of my group of friends for about 10 years. When we first met I was with my eventual ex-fiance. There was a time when I really leaned hard on this guy, we even slept in the same bed for awhile, but I had to friend-zone him especially because we all had the same group of friends. There was definitely some tension between us and over the years one of us was always with someone.

    After a breakup he and I started talking a lot again, he was going through a break up. We decided to “give it a try.” He came down to NC to visit and it was the most fucking awkward thing ever. I had no idea how to be natural with him– do I hold his hand now? When am I supposed to kiss him? Ahhhh awkward! We didn’t even end up having sex since the mild hooking up was so weird for me.

    It actually inspired me to write an article called “Friends First? Eff That.” Whatever your reasons for friend-zoning are, it’s something that they can rarely break out of. You put them there, because they belong there.