Latest posts by Kat (see all)
- Grabbing Your Feminism By the Balls - September 16, 2014
- Skinny on the 7 Day Detox Diet - June 18, 2014
- How to Fake Tan Without Looking Like an Oompa Loompa - June 13, 2014
Two months ago I decided to kick off the Spring a little healthier by trying the 7 Day Detox “Diet”. I put “diet” in quotes because I do not endorse this for weight loss, and I will tell you why at the end of the article. First, I’m going to breakdown the Detox day by day and let you know what you can expect.
Before you begin your Detox you need five things: fruits, vegetables, “Wonder Soup”, a modicum of self-loathing to put yourself through this hell and riot gear for those around you to protect them from your cranky detoxing ass. Wonder Soup is a kind of cabbage soup that you can eat on any day of the Detox. Make sure that you have these five things the day before you start your Detox.
Day One: Fruits
Day one wasn’t so bad at first because fruit is at least sweet so it kinda felt like eating dessert all day–at least it did until about 4pm and I realized that fruit isn’t that filling and I was fucking starving. I made the mistake of not making the Wonder Soup ahead of time, so I was frantic to make it when I got home from work that evening. I nearly dove into the soup when it was finished.
Day Two: Vegetables
Remember that time you got completely shit-faced with your friend, Jewels, on a mixture of grain alcohol and Kool-Aid and how the next morning you felt like you had thrown yourself repeatedly down a flight of stairs? Yeah, that’s what you are going to feel like today. In case you have never overindulged in the noxious substance known as “Smurf”, I’ll break it down for you: you will wake up on Day Two feeling like fucking shit. The Detox has officially begun and you are in withdrawals, girlfriend. The Detox guidelines recommend starting the day with a baked potato and I nearly cried with joy at this happy surprise since I had not thought of tubers as vegetables. (I could blame this ditziness on the effects of the Detox, but honestly that’s about par for me.)
Day Three: Fruits and Vegetables
The initial shock to your system has worn off by Day Three, so you only feel like you threw yourself down a flight of stairs one time. It’s especially helpful that day three is both fruits and veggies so it almost feels like normal to have a salad and then fruit for dessert.
Day Four: Bananas and milk
You can eat up to eight bananas on this day, however this presented a personal challenge for me because I’m allergic to raw bananas. I got around my allergy by baking the bananas for about fifteen minutes and putting some cinnamon on them to chase it. I was more than happy to guzzle down two glasses of milk for breakfast and have three of my bananas. I had three more bananas while at work, and when I got home I really wanted the other two bananas that I was allowed to eat but I avoided them. I don’t care that the Detox allows eight bananas because eight just seems to be asking a lot of your intestines. I did slam down my third glass of milk though, so I drank a hell of a lot of liquid this day since the daily eight glasses of water still needed to be consumed.