GenderWars

Gender Wars: Sex On The First Date

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Julie Zantopoulos

When not acting as Vice President and Senior Editor at The Indie Chicks, Jewels is a writer at heart and most likely writing for her own website According to Jewels or working on her first novel.In her free time she's loves heading to concerts, taking road trips, reading, and doing anything crafty. Don't hesitate to reach out...she loves chatting with our readers.

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When I pitched the idea of a Gender Wars series at The Indie Chicks we all agreed it would be fun. I immediately thought of one of my most trusted male bloggers/internet personalities, Quincy from Talk2Q and the Talk2Q blog talk radio show and asked him to join me for the first installment. So, what are the genders facing off on?  We are debating a question that haunts daters; sex on the first date? Enough tip toeing around the topic, let’s get into it! We’ll let the gentlemen go first, shall we?

Sex On The First Date: His Opinion

First of all, I’m thrilled to be paired with Jewels in anything… even if it’s just a blog post. Since I’m here to give you the man’s view on this topic, let’s jump right in to my thoughts.

Sex on the first date: a no-no or a worry of the past? Well, I guess it depends on whom you ask these days. A lot of people from my generation (70’s baby) and older were raised to believe that if someone sleeps with you on the first date, then they’re not long-term material. I think those days are pretty much over. People aren’t willing to wait around like they did in the 1980’s. Remember those songs like, “We Don’t Have to Take Our Clothes Off (To Have a Good Time)” and “Let’s Wait Awhile”? Those songs have been replaced by songs about “twerking” and “booty clapping”, everything is sexualized now which means that waiting on sex is even more “old fashioned” than ever.

Let’s discuss men and sex though. Men are credited with being more visual than women. When a man spots a woman who is attractive, then he’s not thinking along the lines of, “oh, my mother would be so proud if I brought her home!”

Not at all!  He’s hoping for the opportunity to sleep with her and if all goes well, maybe they will have a future together. Sounds backwards, huh? Well, it may seem shallow and I can’t say that 100% of men have this thought, but I know it’s definitely a majority. It’s safe to assume that most men are generally okay with it when a woman wants to get down on Date One.

Women have to deal with being labeled if they decide to sleep with a man on the first date.  There’s a lot more pressure on them.  Unlike men, women will be label as sluts if they horizontal mambo with a dude on the first date.  She also has to wonder if the man sleeping with her will think she’s a slut, too.

sex on the first date, prize panties, Only he knows if there will be a second date if he gets those “drawers” on Date One.  I don’t think most guys these days would hold that against the lady unless she got all “Jenna Jameson” on him on their first tryst.  Women who slept with men on the first date were once cast aside and never considered as long-term relationship material.  However, it is more accepted these days for a woman to have “notches on her belt,” for lack of a better phrase.  Modern men prefer experienced women and we aren’t easily deterred by a certain degree of sexual aggressiveness.

I look at it like this:  In 2013, I don’t think women should get so uptight about sex on the first date.  If she’s not rubbing on his crotch in the theater and playing footsies with his junk under the dinner table, then he won’t assume that she’s a hardcore freak looking for a meat injection.  If she carries herself like a lady, then she will be treated like one.  That’s the bottom line.

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  • Chrystal Rose

    I think sex on the first date is more about attitude than anything. When I was dating and I wanted to have sex–I did. More often than not if I sleep with a guy “too soon” into dating I don’t want anything long term anyway. I had girlfriends that would sleep with guys first thing and they wouldn’t hear from them again– then they’d talk to me and I’d tell them how I couldn’t get rid of the guy. These girls were hoping for a relationship when I genuinely didn’t care if they called me back. I think guys can smell the difference lol

    I had sex with my boyfriend on the second date. The thought crossed my mind after, that he might think I’m a total whore– but then I decided if that’s what he thinks then I don’t want to date someone like that anyway. Clearly he didn’t think so because we’re about to hit the 2 year mark :)

    • http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Talk2Q Quincy

      Congrats on the 2 yr mark! You’re right. If a person has sex because they want to have sex, then if things turn into a relationship it’s a bonus. But, if a person has sex to be in a relationship, then it’s a problem. It doesn’t matter if it’s the 1st date or 50th. Sex is to be shared and not “given.” Sounds like you have the right attitude and it’s landed you a good man.

      • Jewels

        I love your point and Q’s. You can’t sleep your way into a relationship but if one comes from mutually enjoying each other physically no matter what date number (if it even was a date) it happens on.

        • http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Talk2Q Quincy

          Gracias, J! Thanks for allowing me a platform!

  • James

    (cracks knuckles)

    I’m not sure where to start with this one. Like most of the topics we talk about in discussion, there is no defined black or white, and this topic has a lot of gray area so I’ll only speak for myself. In my opinion there are two layers of this, there’s “sex on the first date” and then there’s “sex on the first encounter”. Have I had sex with someone on the first date…yes. Have I ever had sex with someone on my first encounter? Fuck no! Let me break it down, and sorry Jewels but I’ll be using you for this example. I’ve never met Jewels personally, but we do talk a lot via text and twitter and what not so in some aspect I know her and she’s somewhat familiar. Hypothetically speaking if I were to meet Jewels for the first time and we went out on a date and we had sex after that date, yes it would be considered sex on the first date, but we’d built a repeaur

    • Jewels

      I love the (cracks knuckles). Have I been the chick that gave it up the first night? Yeah. Have I done it often? No. Do I regret doing it? Nah, I wouldn’t say that.

      That being said I’m a sucker for sexual tension so I prefer getting to know somebody and letting it build a bit. ;) I see what you’re saying about having a working knowledge of somebody prior to sleeping with them.

      Here’s my question. What if you just read my blog? What if you just interacted with me on Twitter and Facebook, would that count as having “known” me prior to meeting up and sleeping with me? Is it the texting and occasional call that makes the difference? Where do you say to yourself, “Yeah I know her”. These days people think they know others purely through their blogs and social media. The lines are blurry there, my friend.

      • James

        I guess I should stress the level or content of the interaction. Twitter and facebook can count and a vessel to getting to know someone, but I think most of that is done in private, since some people aren’t comfortable with posting their life publicly.

        Can you know someone through their blog? I don’t think so. You can get to know about someone, maybe even identify with them but you’ll never know them that way. I mean you hear and read about the lives of celebs all the time, but you still don’t know them.

        • Jewels

          Some people would say that they do have a decent idea of a celeb why what they put forth for the world to view. I don’t agree with that but some would. I see where you’re coming from though. You’d not have a problem if you felt you knew a person prior to the first date sex (even if the first date was the first time you were meeting them in the flesh) if you’d interacted with them prior. Interesting point.

          • James

            Those people are called losers/stalkers…

          • http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Talk2Q Quincy

            Who wouldn’t call Jewels for a 2nd date? She’s amazing! I get what James is saying. There has to be a level of comfort for the thinking man. Unfortunately, most men don’t think…

          • Jewels

            Such the sweet talker, Q! I’m hiring you when I start making big bucks to be my PR person. :D

          • http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Talk2Q Quincy

            I’m your guy!

  • Dirty In Public

    *reaches for soapbox, climbs up,clears throat*

    I agree wholeheartedly with you,Q. The slut stigma still drapes women from time to time but it’s not as dark a shroud as it used to be…not that the shroud should exist at all! My biggest issue with this and similar gender war topics is double standards. If you’re a man and choose not to engage in casual sex or sex on the first date and seek a partner who shares your lifestyle; that’s awesome! However, if a man does the horizontal mambo on the 1st date and thinks it’s just a “man thing” and judges a woman negatively for the same behavior…that’s wrong!
    On the flip side; women should own their sexuality and its possible consequences. Women should not be devastated if a man doesn’t call her back after a first date romp! Rather than her thinking of it as him rejecting her…she should think of it as him disqualifying himself. They obviously don’t share fundamental believe systems that are required for a long term relationship to be successful! Saving her possible drama and heartbreak down the road!

    • Jewels

      Dirty in Public,

      First off no soapboxes needed here, feel free to take the mike. I think Q made good points and I like to think that I did, too. I think that women need to own their sexuality but also see it for what it is. Sleeping with a guy on the first date doesn’t disqualify you from being relationship material but it also doesn’t ensure he’s going to call you. I don’t think there’s shame in it but let’s not fool ourselves into thinking every call will call the next day

      Well said, as always! Thanks for chiming in.

    • http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Talk2Q Quincy

      “Disqualifying himself?” I like that! A man shouldn’t judge a woman on a double standard ever when it comes to sex. I don’t think that a lot of modern men do (unless they feel peer pressure). If she carries herself like a lady outside of the bedroom, then he’s probably cool with it. But, if she’s grinding on him in the line at Walmart in front of familes, then he might not consider her a keeper.

    • http://www.mscheevious.com/ Ms. Cheevious

      *looks up to the speaker with a grin & claps uproariously* BRAVO.

    • http://suburbiainterrupted.com/ Suburbia Interrupted

      Holy crap. I can’t say how I feel any better than you just did. Agree with every word. Awesome comment. Awesome article Jewels!

  • http://www.mycyberhouserules.com/ Marie Nicole

    It’s all about the TWO involved. If they both just can’t keep their hands off each other, and BOTH agree to it, then it doesn’t concern anybody else. Unless there are significant others involved… but that wasn’t the question.

    There is no golden rule on how many dates must be had, how many steamy make-out sessions, or how many weeks/months/years before two people take it to another level. If there were such a golden rule, then that would pretty much legalize date-rape. Not good.

    • Jewels

      Not good at all. I never lived by the three date rule. Sometimes you know in one and sometimes you don’t know for longer. It’s about when it feels right for both parties, whenever that time may be. I agree with you.

      I also feel that there shouldn’t be shame or stigma placed on people though for acting on their desires whenever it feels right for them.

      • http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Talk2Q Quincy

        There definitely should not ever be a minimum on dates before sleeping with someone. A 90-day rule means nothing to a man who isn’t serious about you anyway. Especially if the man is sleeping with other women during those 89 days prior to the 90th. However many days it takes to realize that he truly cares for you is how many days it should take. There’s not a number on that. And if you simply feel like jumping his bones on Day One, then knock yourself out.

        • http://www.mycyberhouserules.com/ Marie Nicole

          Ha! Knock yourself out, and him too while you’re at it?

          I think the biggest issue we have is actually related to what LJ said – how we may feel physically ready to jump in the sack, we may not be mentally ready. Sadly we have ownership issues in regards to who sleeps with whom. Like you said, does the dude run off and sleep with other women during that 89-days of waiting? And if he did? What then? Really, I mean, really… What then? Does that lessen his feelings for the other one?

          I wonder a lot about this whole sex thing, and I think our society has made a mess of it. Look at the confessions from last Sunday. One woman was almost sad to be in a loving faithful marriage because she may never get to experience or satisfy her bi-sexual tendencies.

          But I digress. We do need a full man-woman talk about sex, not just the first date question, but why do we have this sense of ownership between people when drives and hungers aren’t always in tune?

          • Jewels

            Sex will be a topic that men/women are forever talking about, disagreeing on, and debating. For whatever reason it’s one of those things that we fail to communicate about openly (for the most part). I think this happens for several reasons:

            1. Societal shaming of sexuality & sex
            2. Embarrassment or fear of being judged for your desires, kinks, etc.
            3. Sheer stupidity in believing it keeps “allure” or “mystery” to a relationship to not be open and up front about sexual expectations and wants.

            Anyway, it’s not a topic that will go anywhere anytime soon and as far as running a magazine goes, i’m fine with that, even if as a sexual being I wish it weren’t true.

          • http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Talk2Q Quincy

            Good points, both of you. I don’t see an end to this maze that we run. Sometimes it’s fun, but at other times you just want to find an exit. Society will never come to terms and make things easier for everyone.

  • Lonesome Jackalope™

    { Cue the Jackalope scene: Jewels kicks dust into the Jackalope Den. Antlers appear and then taking the microphone between his paws…}

    Ladies, Gentlemen, any esteemed fellow mutants who may be present; all of your comments are fascinating and I appreciate the opportunity to give my views on the subject of shedding intimate apparel on a first date.

    First of all, I’d like to point out that while our culture may seem sophisticated in some ways, when it comes to the bedroom, we’re still in the baby crib. Nice toys though. European cultures, for example, think we’re silly because of our sexual angst. Look, we didn’t just step out of the last few decades feeling our way forward carefully as we went. No, we shot out like sexual hellions, and have been hitting every bump in the road since.

    My only reservation against sex on the first date is that many people are physically ready for it but far from emotionally or intellectually ready for the roll in the hay. Also, try as we may to morph our sexuality into something akin to having a really good dessert, it’s the singular most intimate activity that two people can engage in. At our basest, core personhood, it means something – an intimate sharing between two human persons. Rather trumping the small talk, I’d say.

    I’d echo the lovely Marie Nichole in saying that it’s a private matter – no matter how hard our culture strives to put it’s cameras in the bedroom of our lives. Too often we make judgements or decisions for our own sexuality based on what everybody else is doing or what others will think of us. Keep it legal, of course. Just barely.

    Finally, I’m pretty sure that as a culture we are turning a corner. One that will see women in true leadership roles in homes, community, business and beyond. With that, I believe we’ll see the last gasp of the whole “slut” mentality. In nature, including humanity, women are actually sexually dominant. Really, it’s just time to close the curtains on this sad, stupid little morality play where we have men being men and women being sluts. It’s pathetic and really should just go away to the Bad Theatre Room.

    Oh, and I wrote of piece about this a month or two back:

    http://www.thelonesomejackalope.com/2013/05/24/forgotten-carts-and-drunken-horses/

    {shamelessly putting his antlers in the spotlight again. Naughty Jackalope!}

    • http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Talk2Q Quincy

      This is great! I’m loving everything that you had to say. If everyone treated sex as something sacred like we once did, then this discussion wouldn’t be necessary. However, for some, it is dessert now. I’m not trying to minimize its value by any means because it’s important to me. I just don’t know how many other people feel the importance. I do think that the whole slut shaming thing needs to go. Let a “woman be a woman” like a “man can be a man.”

    • Jewels

      I adore you, Jackalope, prickly antlers and all. When push comes to shove (and that is what we’re talking about here, right) we are not animals who follow urges without higher thinking and emotion. Try as we might as a species to separate the two, all too often the lines are blurred and all 3 merge. It’s silly to continue having this discussion when sex is a natural, normal, and mutually (if done right) enjoyable experience.

      Can’t wait to turn that societal corner so the walk of shame becomes the swagger of sex. ;)

  • http://www.mscheevious.com/ Ms. Cheevious

    Every situation is a case-by-case deal, and you can’t use a topic like this to answer it for all… Sometimes a GIRL may not want a relationship just because she slept with the guy… sometimes a guy answers hypothetically that it wouldn’t deter him, because he isn’t even looking for a relationship… but then when the time comes, it may bug the hell out of him… Every situation has very unique factors like hormones, pheromones, chemistry, values, inhibitions, insecurities (or not) involved… that’s why you can’t say who will be the right him or her for someone… but great post dude! LOVE IT

    • Jewels

      Thanks for the read and the comment. Of course when it comes to sex there is no right or wrong (for the most part) and each person/couple will view it differently. I have to say that I do hope the societal view of sex changes and stops shaming people for their private decision…then again people should start keeping a bit more private.

      All in all there never will be an answer but given the Cosmo article and the skewed statistics it HAD to be discussed.

    • http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Talk2Q Quincy

      That’s a great point, Ms. C! There are factors that could create an exception to the rule.

  • http://theindiechicks.com/ Chiara Mazzucco

    Totally on board with you, Jewels. And it’s so true, people are having sex on the first date now more than ever. Who the fuck cares? And more importantly, why does anyone have to know? I feel like sometimes we talk about these issues as if they’re mandatory public information, when really it’s no one’s business. And if your friends would judge you, you have shitty friends. And if your dude’s friends would judge you, and punching them doesn’t fix it, then it’s something to consider if you want to take the relationship to the next level. But really… I see no better way to feel out the chemistry if there’s a strong physical attraction.

    • Jewels

      I agree completely. I think that sometimes, NOT having sex when the tension and chemistry is so high is actually MORE distracting in regards of getting to know each other. When you can’t stop thinking about ripping off their clothes you can’t focus on anything else. Jump in the sack, get it out of your system and then chat post romp. hehe

  • http://asvinnycsit.blogspot.com/ Vinny C

    What can I say that hasn’t already been said? I agree that type of stigma attached to a woman who has sex on the first date belongs in the past.

    Personally, before I ever had a girlfriend, I didn’t know (or care) if sex would happen for me on the first date or not. First, I had to get a girl to actually go out with me. The rest would take care of itself.

    • Jewels

      That tricky part of actually getting a date. ;) Good thing you’re married now and worries like this are a thing of the past. Thanks for chiming in, Vinny.