Fighting the Bitch


You know that little voice that says you’re never going to meet anyone?

It’s lying.

That little voice is also lying when it says things like, “He’s never going to like you,” or “She’s so much prettier than you,” and “He’s never going to want you.”

The more we tell ourselves things like that, the more we believe them. Suddenly, we have excuses to spend Saturday nights at home, cuddled up with our BFF’s, Ben and Jerry, watching Project Runway Marathons. A few weeks without a date becomes a few months and out of nowhere it’s over a year since you’ve been out to dinner with a man who is not your gay bestie or brother.

Before we go speeding down the highway to Spinsterhood, let’s take a moment and recognize the stories we tell ourselves about why we’re not dating.

Author Nancy Lamb, refers to our most destructive inner critic as, “The Bitch.” She’s that inner voice that says, “What makes you think he’d ever like you?”

Well, the good news is, The Bitch is a liar. The bad news is it takes work to ignore her. It’s very difficult to just decide on a random Thursday that you’re no longer to believe the lies you’ve believed for years. You have to fight against them.

To start, Lamb suggests,

Instead of cowering, take a deep breath and tell that double-dealing, undermining, life-negating, confidence-stealing dominatrix to shut her mouth, back off your personal stage and stay in the basement where she belongs.

Excellent advice. Any time you hear negative thoughts, tell The Bitch to shut up. Then turn that negative into a positive. It doesn’t matter if you think it in your head or shout it out loud, just make sure to back up your defense with facts.

For example, if The Bitch says, “What makes you think he’d ever like you?”  Respond with, “Why wouldn’t he like me? I’m kind, smart, funny and I have gorgeous hair.”

For some of us, complimenting ourselves may be really hard. The Bitch may be so powerful that it’s difficult for you to come up with nice things to say about yourself. You are not alone. Unfortunately, we too often get into a cycle of criticizing ourselves. We run inner dialogue we don’t even know we’re running.

You may be so used to hearing negative thoughts that you might not even know how damaging they are. A good way to identify The Bitch is to ask yourself, “Would I say that to my friend?”

For example, would you say, “You’re too fat,” “Why are you so stupid?” “He won’t want you” or “You’re so ugly” to your friend?

No, of course not. So, why would it be okay to say things like that to the person you need to love the most—yourself?

Negative inner dialogue may not seem like that big of a deal. But it is. Think about it. Who wants to be with someone who thinks there’s something wrong her?

You guessed it, guys who have something wrong with them.

So, the next time you hear The Bitch whisper, know she’s lying and shut her up. Recognize her stories for the lies they are and change them. Your new stories should include all the things that make you valuable. Every time you feel a little unsure, repeat them to yourself.

Don’t let The Bitch win.

Suzanne Casamento

Suzanne is the founder of a site that empowers women to take chances, build confidence and find love by incorporating flirting into their daily routines.

  1. Hm, Suzanne.. out of curiosity… are you my soul mate? Or perhaps my mind twin? I love everything you write.. especially this post! I wrote something like it, but instead of calling the voice a bitch, I called it an asshole! .. This entity is something that we all have in common and it’s such a relief to hear others wanting to fight it, especially since it gets so many of us down. Brava, Suzanne!

  2. lmao @ “maybe your asshole and my bitch should get together and STFU” You ladies are amazing.

    I have had to silence The Bitch many a times. Nothing is more crippling to love life (or life in general) than nagging self doubt. Great article, Suzanne.

  3. I love this article. I have that inner voice. Sometimes, it says, why would you like you? Why would he call you back? You are not good enough. You are absolutely right. You tell yourself, he likes me because I am a beautiful, smart, funny, and cute girl. I have value, I deserved the best. Sometimes, there could be negative people , who give you that bad inner voice. I had a parent, who was very negative to me. I would think negative thoughts about myself. I am always hard on myself. She is perfectionist.
    I learned to be more positive. You need to get rid of toxic people, out of your life.
    Great Article Suzanne! :)

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