“Can I love him without getting hurt or without losing myself?”
What girl hasnʼt been exposed to this quintessential quandary at least once and most likely repeatedly throughout her adult life? You finally meet that someone special then start to feel your own sense of self slip away to the same degree to which you fall in love with him. Isnʼt there something we can do so we donʼt get hurt when our hearts get all fluttery, when someone comes alone and makes us feel special, when his mere presence turns our world upside down? Do we have any control over what we are feeling? Or should we simply ignore this feeling and let ourselves get swept up in the waves of his passion?
The unfortunate answer, ladies, is that there is no easy way around this. Losing yourself is a distinct possibility and getting hurt more so, however it doesnʼt have to be that way. If you have the emotional fortitude and mental resilience to work on yourself and look into the true nature of things, youʼll notice that nobody has the power to hurt you. No one can force you to leave your center (something you have to do in order to lose yourself), so donʼt do it! Of course this is the ideal, something Zen masters train for years to attain. For us mere mortals, we will experience pain whether we have a one night stand or spend fifty years with someone. So what exactly is this pain?
The type of pain and loss of self we are referring to comes from the pattern of the never-ending desire to bask in the presence of the other person. We long for them when we are with them and we long for them when we are apart! We long for the sensations and feelings this new person has awakened in us and we long for getting more out of them. In fact an addiction is what forms, and hence the pain follows. This most commonly occurs in the courtship stages and beginning of intimacy stages, however it is by no means limited to that. This pain can arise at any stage of a relationship, simply depending on the energy between the two individuals.
So I ask you: Are you willing to take a risk on another human being in the name of love? Or better yet I challenge you: Take the risk! You will at times be disappointed and frustrated by their quirks and idiosyncrasies and at other times enamored and awestruck by their beauty and compassion. And then youʼll learn heʼs just a mirror of yourself. You both must be willing to do your part at self improvement. He must be equally committed to taking a risk on you and letting his guard down enough to do so. If you have this kind of guy already, heʼs a
keeper. And if not, stay pure of heart and positive of intention but donʼt cast your pearls before the swine. Wait till the right one comes along to take the risk.
If youʼre currently with a guy who youʼre not too sure about, donʼt make the mistake of thinking that maybe youʼll get him to change in the future when he fully realizes how wonderful you are. Be realistic, remember that pain in romance has never been avoided, and cut your losses at the earliest possible moment. Love brings wonderful feelings but does not come free of charge and the price tag is usually paid in pain. Love has the power to make us touch the moon and fall straight back down to the ground all at the same time. In short, romantic love is painfully beautiful.
I have gone through this process so many times and on some occasions I could have avoided the drama since the other person wasnʼt willing to take a risk on me (as I was willing to take on him). In other cases, we both took a risk on each other and gave it a sincere effort. And on certain other instances, no matter how I tried to handle it, I just couldnʼt get the simultaneous beautiful feeling/awful pain out of my chest. My whole body would shake just by being in his presence. I was literally out of control and thatʼs exactly what love does to us: Love makes us lose our mind; love makes us change; love makes us want to leave everything behind for that special person.
So, relax and take a deep breath and remember one thing: love is all that matters. There is nothing more marvelous than failing in love together. It is an experience you mustnʼt let pass you by. Let your heart take charge of what your logical mind canʼt possible control. Fall into the virtues of love.