Enemies Beware The Anti-Invite Is Here


We all have enemies, frenemies, or people we would rather not spend time with. What about people you are just acquaintances with? Maybe you’ve connected on Facebook even though you haven’t talked for years. Nowadays our “friend” circles are getting larger and larger. The people we connect with has grown leaps and bounds with our connections on the internet. The IC family is just that, my family, and I love you all.

But, what if I suddenly update my Facebook status to “engaged”? Should I be inviting my internet family? How about my blog friends, people that I connect with daily but don’t see regularly? Where do you draw the line when making the guest list? It causes a lot of anxiety for people and “cutting” people feels mean even though it is necessary. A lot of couples are paying for their own weddings, planning later in life and smaller weddings, or just trying to work within a reasonable budget. Whatever the reason weddings are getting smaller and even large ones have a limit. Not everyone can attend and they’ll have to understand, right? Then I heard about a trend that took cutting the guest list to a new level. The anti-invite has reared its ugly head and while it’s not a huge trend, it exists and that’s enough. The anti-invite is when you send your “friends” a card letting them know that they are not invited to your wedding or special event. Let that sink in a second. Going out of your way to let somebody know they cannot come to your wedding.

The Anti-Invite

Dear Aunt Claire,

By now you know that Blake and I are deeply in love and celebrating that by getting married this August. Unfortunately, space is limited and since we’ve never been incredibly close, you will not be invited to attend.

The reason for this anti-invite is so you know your invite did not get lost in the mail but rather that no invite is going to be coming. We know you’ll understand and wish us well on our marriage and life of happiness together.

With Love (but not too much love), Teresa and Blake

What better way to start a life of love, understanding, and unity than by telling your not close enough family and friends that they can’t come to your special day. What is wrong with these people? Why not just send out the invitations and deal with the fall out of questions about guest lists later? Why go out of your way to upset people? It seems so… wrong.

As if this wasn’t enough the new trend of “rude brides” has enlisted something even more offensive (in my opinion). What could be worse than that, you ask? The “B List” is worse, by far. This is where couples let you know that you didn’t quite make the guest list but that you are on the wait list. Yes, you heard me right, the wait list. So, they ask people to keep the date open, get an outfit ready, and maybe even a gift just in case room opens up.

In this situation the “B lister” would be contacted if a first string invite couldn’t make it and space opened up. Isn’t that generous of the couple? The original article that I read stated that the “B list” guests still went to the wedding when they were called off the bench. What? I can see very few situations where I’d be okay being on a “wait list” and it would only be if it was a new friend, a distant or old friend, or a sibling of a friend.

I don’t expect to be invited to every wedding or special event planned by people I know. In fact, I never assume that I am invited, to anything. This isn’t a self-esteem issue it’s just the way I operate. I wouldn’t be offended if I wasn’t invited but I sure as shit would be pissed off if they spent money and went out of their way just to inform me that I wasn’t.

What are your thoughts on this new trend? Would you ever send an anti-invite? How would you react if you were on the receiving end of one or were told you were on a wedding wait list?
Image Credit: Shutterstock

Julie Zantopoulos

Julie Zantopoulos

Julie is Vice President and Editor-in-Chief of The Indie Chicks. She's working on publishing her first book, a collection of short stories, and writing a young adult novel series. Other loves include whiskey, the Flyers, and anything LOTR, Harry Potter, or Young Adult Lit. Don't be shy about following her on Instagram or emailing her to discuss contributing to The Indie Chicks.

  1. Considering I had some very brutal things to say to “friends” who chose to invite me to ther wedding but not my hubby (there was “past” between him and the bride) I seriously doubt that I would agree to be on a wait list. As for the anti – invite, what ego to even assume that those not so close friends are even hoping for an invte. How truly bizarre really

    1. I’ve been “wait listed” by VERY distant acquaintances and totally understood it. They’d love me to be there but I wasn’t a friend or family. For example a friend’s sibling that I spent time with occasionally or attended family dinners with now and then. In that case, I get it. Honestly though, it’s just ridiculous to send those out to actual family to say “We’re keeping it small and you didn’t make the cut”. Ridiculous.

  2. Wow. This is a thing? Wedding planning is stressful and I’ve been on both the giving and receiving side of the “Sorry, but we’re not having a big wedding and inviting everyone” conversation. It sucks. But to pre-emptively say to someone that they’re not invited or can only come if someone more popular drops out just seems childish. It reminds me of those second grade parties where someone would taunt you by saying you’re not invited to their birthday party.

    1. Oh, it’s a thing. Not a widely popular thing but a thing none the less. To learn you aren’t invited is one thing, and it can suck, but to be told upfront that you didn’t make the cut seems unnecessarily rude. I’m with you. Just childish.

  3. I have had a few of the “wait list” invites come my way. I wasn’t happy about them, and I ended up not going anyway even when I got an invite. However, when a friend sends me a link to their wedding website, I feel perfectly fine not going. Since a lot of my friends are paying for their own weddings, I know getting an invite to some of my friends’ weddings isn’t going to happen, and it’s nice to still be “included” in some of the festivities, even if it’s virtual.

    1. I’ve been wait listed once for a friend’s sibling. I totally understood and still went as another friend’s date. It wasn’t a big deal; we weren’t that close. If it happened with somebody I was actually friendly with though, I’d be SO pissed.

      To an extent I enjoy the online websites and such but since I’m not huge on weddings I’m kinda neutral about it if I’m not even attending.

  4. I guess I can see where this trend got started, as I had a lot of people just assume they were invited to my wedding… and then realized they weren’t (which is an awkward conversation when they call you up wondering where their invite is). However, this is a terrible, terrible trend. It’s better to have those awkward conversations and explain you’re not having a large wedding (or whatever the case may be) than to preemptively send a “not invited” or “waitlisted” letter. Really? Mind. Blown.

    1. The conversation has to be awkward and I don’t envy people having to make it but it’s part of being an adult in that situation. It seems very Diva to say “Psst, just so you know, you aren’t invited”. I still can’t believe anyone would do it.

  5. I got married with 3 people at the courthouse.. no one was invited – not even my parents. {But that’s because we’re planning an actual reception in a few years when we can afford bringing together everyone we love}. That said, I would never send an anti-invite.. and if I ever received one, I’d tell the person to fuck off and probably not speak to them. If we’re close enough for me to expect an invitation, I’d require more than an anti invite. If we aren’t close enough for me to expect an invitation, I’d wait for the invitation to assume I was coming. Everyone else has it a bit skewed, I think. Lol.

    1. I’m clueless as to why this was necessary in the first place and what wedding planner/print company went along with it. It’s just awful. I can’t imagine ever getting one but if I did I’m pretty sure I’d have some seriously choice words and then I’d be informing them they are “wait listed” to be my friend. So freaking ridiculous.

  6. A few years ago my friends got married. They had a small ceremony and private, seated-dinner reception, with a larger, cash-bar reception following for those who didn’t quite make the cut. I was in the latter group. Wasn’t sure how I felt about it at the time, but as I plan my own wedding it doesn’t seem like a terrible idea – especially compared to wait lists and anti-invites.

    1. Hmm. That is an interesting way to go about things and I can see how it makes sense. Those dinners are freaking expensive. You want everyone to be a part of the day but you don’t want to break the bank to do it. That is a MUCH better idea than anti-invites or wait lists. Those to me are just ridiculous. Thanks for chiming in.

  7. This is nuts, Jewels! Flat out nuts! This will be a show topic, for sure! Why would someone take time to tell someone else that they’re not important enough to be a part of something? Just create a FB event and invite the people you wish to attend. Is it so hard without hurting someone’s feelings? I’m all for being direct and honest (you know this), but I won’t volunteer to hurt someone’s feelings. Way too much!

    1. PLEASE let me know when this is going to be on the show because I want to call in for it! Not just take the time to tell people they aren’t invited but spend money, too. Just absolutely insane. If ANYONE ever invited me to a wedding via FB event I wouldn’t go. That’s freaking ridiculous as well. We’re adults. FB events are NOT for weddings! smh

      I would rather face discomfort of a face to face convo or a busted wallet than purposely upset and offend people.

  8. I just had to put my jaw back in place. Seriously?! I never heard of either of these things: anti-invite and wait list. What the heck is wrong with people. People have WAY too much time on their hands, at their keyboard, on their iPhone, and have stopped spending time with people. Face to face. We’ve lost general social skills.

    I guess I’m not all Chickie because if I’m not invited somewhere, I don’t get upset. There’s a reason why they didn’t invite me. I have friends who get together without me. They have that right.

    No one likes to hurt people’s feelings by not inviting them, but to send an anti-invite or put them on a wait list, it’s like smacking them in the face with a wet noodle…and then eating the noodle.

    Great article!

    1. Glad you enjoyed the article even if you didn’t enjoy the topic. Believe me, I felt like an unhinged anaconda when I read the original article. Who does stuff like that? It’s preemptively mean instead of waiting to see IF somebody has the nerve to ask why they weren’t invited.

      It takes a special person to send out anti-invites and wait list notices. SO happy to hear that our IC ladies know better than to do something like this.

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