Doin’ It: Sex After Kids

sex, relationships, love and sex, sex after kids, the indie chicks

When it comes to sex, I am no angel.

I lost my virginity when I was seventeen. I had no freaking clue what I was doing or how I should be doin’ it. The fact that I have blocked 99.9% of the details from that experience speaks for itself. My next few years were spent at college where the Erica Jong rules of doin’ it were so prominent, one could believe that every incoming freshman female was given a copy. Erica’s “free love, embrace your orgasm, enjoy your sexuality mantra” flowed freely around the campus causing many of us to lose our angel wings.

Sex was the thing you did. You had sex with the frat boys. You had sex with that guy from the bar. You had sex with the guy, who afterward, told you he was a virgin and you immediately screamed “Fuck!” and told him to leave. (I am not proud of that.) Sex and the City had taken hold of my generation and women were following its lead. As Carrie and the girls matured and began finding themselves, so did I. One night stands began making me feel more like a piece of shit than they did satisfied. I wanted a boyfriend instead of just “that guy” from the bar. I craved an orgasm. I longed to be with someone who knew what I liked and what I didn’t, someone who knew how to make me laugh. And most importantly, I wanted to be with someone who fucking loved me.

What I found out was Disney forgot to let us in on a little secret: Prince Charming and happily ever after don’t just magically appear on a white horse. They failed to mention that more than a few frogs and toads would have to be discarded on the editing room floor before the fairy tale ending made their grand entrance.

Years came and went. Then, I met him. Staying true to myself, I was a total bitch the first time we spoke. My friends were skeptical. He wasn’t my type, whatever the hell that even meant. My type had been the frat guy wooing me while David Allen Coe blasted in the background or that guy in the bar that I called when it was midnight and no other opportunities had risen. In contrast, he was my type. A guy that made me laugh, smile and orgasm over and over and over again. (It is possible girls. You just need to find the right guy …)

One night, about a year later, I was out with the girls. One was on the prowl for a Ryan Gosling look alike, another was bitching about her fiancé, the third was pissed at the entire male population and I was on a sex high, having had a quickie by the front door right as I was leaving.

“We don’t have sex very much anymore”, my engaged friend was lamenting. Everyone was chiming in with their agreements when it became my turn.

”I just had sex against my front door,” I declared.

“Shut the hell up! No you didn’t! You’ve been together longer than we have been. No one has sex against the front door after a year of being together.”

They didn’t?

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Dani is a 30-something writer, residing in South Florida and living the Brangelina lifestyle with The Big Guy and their five kids. Dani’s (sometimes daily) struggle to balance motherhood, life and sex is chronicled on her blog, Suburbia Interrupted.

  1. Great article! The girls I work with are constantly complaining about denying their men sex and all I can think is WHY?! My boyfriend (of 3 years) and I still act like teenagers. Thank you for reassuring the sane women that there’s no such thing as too much sex!

  2. Good for freakin you! I think you need to experiment with the toads, tools, and tweakers to REALLY appreciate when you find a keeper. And, to not let it all fade after you get comfortable with each other and become “that couple”. Shave your legs in the sink, reach into the Fuckerware bin and do each other like porn stars (less Paris Hilton – more Pam Anderson). Love you sister!

  3. Great job! I know everybody has different “need” but it makes me feel sad when I hear my unmarried friends talk about how infrequently they have sex, when my husband and I, with two young girls, have so much more sex than they do. It is a really important part of a marriage in my opinion, and sure, there are some nights when I’m like, “Really? But I’m so sleepy and I just want to lay here on the couch!” but as soon as we do it, it’s just like going to the gym. I may drag my feet on my way to the locker room, but once i’m there I’m always glad I came. Ha! Pun intended. 😉

  4. Looks like you took away all the mysteries of being married (and it never being possible) AND still being able to “do it” away! (And keep the wonderful relationship alive! Great post hun! Congrats!

  5. I love hearing about women in long term relationships (married or otherwise) with children who still take times to nurture their sexual selves without guilt or shame. I can’t stand the “We have kids now” stuff. Look, I don’t have kids but even I know that should be made a priority frequently enough to have no complaints. Kudos, you vixen, you! 😀 Great article, Dani!

  6. I love that you admit the defeats that ultimately lead to success. I do believe that everything we do leads us to where we are. And everything you did lead you to a happy healthy relationship. Bravo, take a bow!

  7. I’m married but without kids, so I can’t comment too much on how you should still be having sex after children. This post is enlightening, though, and shows that not all parents are sexless! I think a truly happy marriage needs communication – and that includes in the bed. Happy to read you’re in such a great, healthy marriage (and with 5 kids, holy cow)! Great post.

  8. Very true. I agree. Disney does not tell you about the frogs, you met a long the way. Disney movies make you think prince charming will magically appear. I want to meet a guy who make me smile and rock my world. I want a guy to give me multiple orgasms. I am sure, I will find it. My friend told me when you get into a serious realtionship, you have less sex. You proved her wrong. You can have it all, kids and a great sex life. Your titles don’t define you.
    Great Article. I loved reading it.

  9. I’ve been married 20+ years and my husband and I still find ourselves acting like kids, laughing and groping each other, sometime in public…lol! PDA :) Kudos to all the women who realize denying your man sex will only cause him to look for it elsewhere….just saying.

  10. I’ve been married for 18 years and life has a way of getting in the way of amorous pursuits sometimes. Thank you for giving me hope, a chuckle or two, and most of all a fresh perspective.
    You rock!

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