Latest posts by Chiara Mazzucco (see all)
- Are You Ready to Bone? - August 1, 2014
- You’re a Shitty Girlfriend. Period. - July 28, 2014
- Drunk Dial: Nothing Good Comes From “I’m Sooo Drunk” - July 25, 2014
I bet you’re wondering why I would make such a bold statement, and whether I’m ready to back it up. The truth is, having been a bartender, I am beyond certain this statement holds true… for most of you. So why, exactly, is a your bartender smarter than you?
4 Kickass Skills You May Not Have
She Can Count
While you’re enjoying your delicious margarita and slurring your words as you bitch about your shitty job, she’s carefully crafting your next drink. Ever gotten a drink that tasted like shit? That bartender probably couldn’t count. Pour counts are proportional to ounces in the drink’s recipe, and when done correctly the result can send chills of pleasure down your spine.
She Can Multitask
Obviously, this doesn’t necessarily scream ‘intelligence’ but you have to give the girl credit for being able pour two bottles with one hand while simultaneously pouring a beer AND entering your order into the computer. Even when doing all of this in autopilot, your bartender has perfected each maneuver and is able to perform it with style.
She Has Remarkable Social Skills (And is a Fabulous Actress)
Your bartender is able to connect with you, listen to you, and often times offer valuable advice when you’re most in need. She’s able to adapt to the different groups of customers and be able to switch back and forth in conversations.
Another thing about bartenders, sorry to break this to you, is that they’re usually ‘acting the part’ – and they’re good at it. If you need to be talking to a flirt, she’s able to flirt; if you need her to be an attentive listener, she can shut her mind off and coordinate the correct responses to everything you spit her way. Most bartenders find a persona that works best, and they stick to it.
She Can Put Up With Your Shit (& Make Fun of You Later)
You know where you’re an asshole to your bartender and you think you’re hilarious? Most bartenders aren’t stupid and they’re definitely not doormats. Most will only risk getting written up (or fired) if you REALLY piss them off. Once, this asshole snapped his fingers in my face and said, “Hey Boobs. Some service, please?”. He was sorry he opened his mouth.
Holding your shit together when some jerk comes to treat you like shit cause his boss did the same to him is a really admirable quality that doesn’t get the praise it deserves.
The Real Reason Your Bartender is Smarter Than You
Ok obviously, I’m not trying to pass counting, multitasking, and acting off as intelligence – although each is still an admirable quality. The real reason your bartender is smarter than you is because she figured out that the hours aren’t bad and the money is usually great. Most importantly, working at a restaurant or bar usually gives the artist or entrepreneur time to follow their dreams while they’re making twice the money in half the time.
In all 7 years I’ve spent in the service industry, I’ve only met a few people who were not busy pursuing their dreams. Most of the people serving you food and making you drinks are using the money to get themselves through school, pay the rent, and invest in their dreams.
This idea doesn’t apply to everyone: if you have a great paying job or are succeeding in following your dreams, there’s a good chance you’re smarter than your bartender. (i.e. marine biologist, successful business woman, or a self-taught vixen hungry for knowledge) So before the avalanche of negative comments begin, understand this isn’t meant to be taken literally.
It’s for those who are stuck in a shitty, miserable, barely-paying-the-bills-but-still-taking-up-all-your-time job. Yes, you need to have heart and a kick ass personality to be a successful bartender, but if you’re an Indie Chick reader, I have no doubt about you being able to do it.
When You Do it Right
The beauty of being
a bartender a good bartender, is the fact you get to work less shifts, have more free time, and often walk away with a couple hundred (to a few hundred) dollars at the end of the night. Cash… right there… in your wallet. You get to flirt a little, socialize a lot, and you lose a good amount of weight (if you don’t drink your calories all night) from moving so much. Being a bartender is great exercise, actually, especially when you’re doing messy cocktails like Long Islands, and carrying cases of booze at the end of the night to restock.
Yes. It’s exhausting. But nothing beats getting into bed after stashing your cash in your underwear drawer and knowing you have the next day off to finish writing that kickass novel of yours.
Disclaimer: Not all bartenders are great.
Some Many are rude and others are looking at the clock waiting to go home to smoke pot. This isn’t about them. Bartending isn’t for everyone, either, but if you’re interested and have the right attitude it could be exactly what you’ve been looking for.
I’ll be writing a how to article on bartending soon enough (i.e. understanding pour counts, restaurant ladders, basic social interaction, and secrets to getting better tips) but I figured I would butter it up with this article first.
Next time you’re out, tip your bartender an extra couple bucks; You’ll probably get a free drink out of it (or an extra heavy pour) and she’ll get to go home to work on her novel.